This will be my last letter (December 28, 2016 5:43PM).
I love you so much I can’t even tell you and I’m beyond devastated, hurt, and heartbroken. I have lost you, lost a big part of my heart and now have to learn how to live with that. Not talking to you has been hard and hurts so much but I can’t keep letting you use me as your emotional and mental punching bag, I wish I could heal you and fix you but I can’t. So many chances I have given you and I wish you could see how your drinking and anger is destroying you, but until you do you will not change and that is only up to you to do so. I thought you were going to give up drinking because it was a big part of our issues but you even said you were drinking for weeks then post a pic with you double fisting it at a bar… so I know that was a load of shit and you never had any intention to stop drinking. I know you have moved on – The constant threats of being with other women… only following woman on fb, not as your actual friends (even Kay who I thought you were decent friends with). No wonder I don’t trust you when you keep saying that…you probably have a couple going on at the moment.. And since you never get rid of numbers you probably have a few from the summer too that you keep contact with.
You legitimately scare me and your anger scares me – you seemed to breeze over that part of the letter like I didn’t say it. I feel like at this rate this could kill me whether it is through your anger and hate towards me (because I know you can’t actually love me when you say the things to do to me), or I will kill myself. You are toxic (I have told you this before) and it is destroying me and I don’t feel safe and you said you would always keep me safe. You have so much anger towards me and it frightens the hell out of me. You already tell me you hate me like you say you love me (you use the two so interchangeably that I can’t often tell which is real), you tell me I’m shit at everything having to do with life and this relationship. That i am the reason you drink all day every day and that I am the one that makes you angry and argue all the time so I clearly am not right for you. I cancelled my flight and car rental (both non refundable but i’m sure you wouldn’t care and consider it no great loss to you) since I was too scared to show up and be greeted by you with another woman, just to rub it in my face… to having nowhere to stay and have a weekend I looked so forward to …seeing you and holding you … to be thrown in my face. I was really looking forward to this trip and being with you and it’s tearing me apart to the point of being physically sick. It makes me so sad that I won’t see you or be in your mind or have us go out to be a normal couple.
I miss you dearly and love you, I feel like a huge part of me has been torn out, but I’m scared for my-self, mentally and physically. I never said we wouldn’t ever get married …just that I couldn’t marry someone that is mean, drinks to the point of being an alcoholic (all day everyday), abusive and doesn’t respect me. I can’t fix you, I helped you all I could, supported you all I could … but I can’t fully support someone that doesn’t see that they need help, completely disregards that they need to work on themselves, or doesn’t think and see that their behaviour and actions are dangerous and hurting for your loved one (and yourself). If you were actually serious about changing for you, I would be your biggest champion but you don’t want to make yourself better. I can not support you slowly killing yourself and killing me in the process. We are connected, that is obvious and we could of been amazing together as a team and a powerhouse couple and I know you know that. I just need you to be healthy and whole and only you can do that work. I can’t watch you kill yourself. I love you so much and always will, I’ve never loved someone like this before and maybe that is why it hurts even more.
So to quote you (on many occasions)… You just lost the one person who would go over the moon for you.