Age of Consent

This will be my last letter (December 28, 2016 5:43PM).

I love you so much I can’t even tell you and I’m beyond devastated, hurt, and heartbroken. I have lost you, lost a big part of my heart and now have to learn how to live with that.  Not talking to you has been hard and hurts so much but I can’t keep letting you use me as your emotional and mental punching bag, I wish I could heal you and fix you but I can’t.  So many chances I have given you and I wish you could see how your drinking and anger is destroying you, but until you do you will not change and that is only up to you to do so.  I thought you were going to give up drinking because it was a big part of our issues but you even said you were drinking for weeks then post a pic with you double fisting it at a bar… so I know that was a load of shit and you never had any intention to stop drinking.  I know you have moved on – The constant threats of being with other women… only following woman on fb, not as your actual friends (even Kay who I thought you were decent friends with).  No wonder I don’t trust you when you keep saying that…you probably have a couple going on at the moment.. And since you never get rid of numbers you probably have a few from the summer too that you keep contact with.  

You legitimately scare me and your anger scares me – you seemed to breeze over that part of the letter like I didn’t say it.  I feel like at this rate this could kill me whether it is through your anger and hate towards me (because I know you can’t actually love me when you say the things to do to me), or I will kill myself. You are toxic (I have told you this before) and it is destroying me and I don’t feel safe and you said you would always keep me safe. You have so much anger towards me and it frightens the hell out of me. You already tell me you hate me like you say you love me (you use the two so interchangeably that I can’t often tell which is real), you tell me I’m shit at everything having to do with life and this relationship. That i am the reason you drink all day every day and that I am the one that makes you angry and argue all the time so  I clearly am not right for you.  I cancelled my flight and car rental (both non refundable but i’m sure you wouldn’t care and consider it no great loss to you) since I was too scared to show up and be greeted by you with another woman, just to rub it in my face… to having nowhere to stay and have a weekend I looked so forward to …seeing you and holding you … to be thrown in my face. I was really looking forward to this trip and being with you and it’s tearing me apart to the point of being physically sick.  It makes me so sad that I won’t see you or be in your mind or have us go out to be a normal couple.  

I miss you dearly and love you, I feel like a huge part of me has been torn out, but I’m scared for my-self, mentally and physically. I never said we wouldn’t ever get married …just that I couldn’t marry someone that is mean, drinks to the point of being an alcoholic (all day everyday), abusive and doesn’t respect me.  I can’t fix you, I helped you all I could, supported you all I could … but I can’t fully support someone that doesn’t see that they need help, completely disregards that they need to work on themselves, or doesn’t think and see that their behaviour and actions are dangerous and hurting for your loved one (and yourself). If you were actually serious about changing for you, I would be your biggest champion but you don’t want to make yourself better.  I can not support you slowly killing yourself and killing me in the process. We are connected, that is obvious and we could of been amazing together as a team and a powerhouse couple and I know you know that.  I just need you to be healthy and whole and only you can do that work. I can’t watch you kill yourself.  I love you so much and always will, I’ve never loved someone like this before and maybe that is why it hurts even more.  

So to quote you (on many occasions)… You just lost the one person who would go over the moon for you.  

This Charming Man (boy)

To the guy who apparently loves(d) me:

Thank you for making me doubt my self worth, the one who made me doubt my ideals, morals, strengths, who made me doubt on a daily basis … me.  Who has placed the idea in my head that it would be better to put up with manipulative, mental, and emotional abuse from you then to be alone…who told me I should be grateful for someone like you (your age) being into someone like me (my age), who said I lost the best thing to ever happen to me, that you hope I find someone who is even half as proud of me or loyal, or even a quarter in love with me as you are.

Thank you for making me feel like shit and guilty for actually standing up to you and telling you what was wrong with it all and that I couldn’t put up with it anymore.  That I had enough of the yelling, your drinking, defending myself, the insulting and belittling me, waking up and basing my day on your mood and your first words to me, or what your texts said first thing in the morning. The constant reading in between lines and decoding of texts, tone, and words, getting anxious when the phone rang, and walking around all day on eggshells because it was your mood that mattered and having to watch what I said because anything and everything set you off.  It is exhausting on all levels.

I’m sorry that you feel and think so little of yourself that you feel the need to bring me to that hateful level. How can a person build someone up with so much love and then in the next breath destroy them…I will never understand this as I don’t possess such evil, such disregard for the human spirit and heart.

Thank you for calling me names like ‘dumb mother fucker’, ‘stupid’, ‘N*gger’, ‘cunt’.  Especially for those times you called me that in front of my son, who heard you talk to his mother that way.  Making me yell back at you, crying and physically lashing out on material things and sometimes myself.  And him being witness to this.  How could he not hear you when you would yell at me so loud I would have to pull the phone away from my ear and your voice travelled across the room.  And you would do it in front of friends all while I remained calm, smiled and quickly brushed it off as you were having a bad day, or this is just what he is like.

Thank you for making me question my decisions to get out of an toxic and emotionally harmful relationship. I can honestly say that as I sit here and think … have I made a mistake in telling you it won’t work if this (your) behaviour does not stop and that I think I have made a horrible decision because ‘he may treat me like shit and he’s a complete asshole but at least he loves me’. Thank you for making this a daily mantra.

Thank you for telling me I didn’t love you as much as you loved me.  You have no idea how much I did. You wanted me to love you obsessively and possessively and I can only love purely. You said I didn’t stand up for you but I went against all my friends and family wishes to not be with you and worse of all I went against my better judgement, my red flag detector, my instincts and intuition and stayed with you. That still was not good enough and I didn’t love you properly because I didn’t love like you.

That you expect me to put up with your shitty behaviour, with your admission that you’re an asshole and a dick, that you fly off the handle, and your apologies for taking it out on me because I was your only outlet.  Yeah I can be an asshole too but I do not treat people like you treat me. It’s not fair of you to expect me to put up with it, you should be trying to stop that behaviour, not see if I’m worthy enough to see your good side.  You used to tell me that you had to pretend to be nice.   You can’t pretend or fake it around a seer… it can’t be done, so I saw through it and knew it for what it was.  But I still chose you, championed for those occasional glimpses of genuine kindness and honest love that I did see and sense because I knew it was in there desperate to come out.  I could not heal you, or fix you, but that is not my job…that is your journey to make yourself a better human.

This will take me time to heal, to make me feel that I am worthy and that I matter.  I love large and I’m a die-hard romantic, and I will find my Jake Ryan one day. I am a sensitive, empathic, and a healer and I come from strong blood and strong spirit…I have warriors and kings in my blood. The blood in my veins and inherited strength of will has destroyed enemies and created countries for centuries before me.   My ancestors are strong within me and come through when I need them and even when I do not , and with you they have visited a lot.

You will not take that power, I think you got a sense of how powerful I am and that scared the shit out of you because you choose not to see it and then tried so hard to break it out of me.  I remember the moment that you realised that, not as naive as you suspected (maybe hoped), and had a strength you had previously not dealt with…. it actually surprised you and threw you off.   I didn’t need you to function in life and I think that really bothered you.  You could not control me. That I caught you in your bullshit, your twists and turns.  I may appear meek, quiet and non worldly… but I am an observer, a studier of people, and have a good deal of power.  I am self sufficient and have learnt the hard way to stand on my two feet and stay planted there.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

I miss when you call me honey, sweetheart, and meatloaf
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss knowing when you smile and when you get shy and awkward.
I miss your kisses
And your ‘I love you’s’

I don’t miss when you called me cunt
Dumb ass mother fucker
Stupid
And a N*gger
Told me to get my head out of my ass
And to put my big girl pants on
I don’t miss your drinking voice and
All the yelling at me
That broke me down
And tore out parts of my heart
And darkened my soul

I miss how you
Were proud of me
You honoured me
Told me I was beautiful
Hot and even sexy
And you were the luckiest man in the world
It made me feel like a queen
Like I actually
Mattered

But there was too much anger
Hate
Despair
Too much yelling
Directed
Always
At me
I learnt to excuse it
Justify
Your actions
Took it on as my own
I was your only outlet
For release

I gave you my heart to care for
Nurture
And protect
I opened up to you like no other
You know
The speech of my breathe
You said I lost out by losing you
That you hope I find someone that love me even a quarter of what you did
Or be half as proud and loyal
As you were of me

But you broke me
Wore me
Down
And took my light away
Extinguished that fire
That burns wild inside me
And is my fuel
My essence
My soul

Well I have pulled my big girl pants up
I’ve taken my head out of my ass
And I won’t take it anymore
It’s toxic
And it is destroying me
Killing (ed) me
Extinguishing
The woman you fell in love
With

 

New Blog Space!

Welcome to my new space for displaying my photographs as well as random thoughts that come to me.  Some things maybe offensive to some but that is what writing is about… bearing your soul and having a release.  I’ve had a few different ‘blogs’ and I hope to stay true to this one and be somewhat consistent with it.  I may also be changing how it looks as I find new themes that suit me better. I love music and will probably choose song titles for my writing blogs… music speaks to me (like it does to most people I hope) so I feel it is fitting to do that.